Long days and late nights, but I have an apartment!...I think. As long as I can get the lease signed out here soon. And I gave a program tonight and had a really good talk with Ranger Dan about my final product out here. I have to pack and clean and make approximately a bajillion thank you notes and finish all my work and say goodbye. I am so torn! I love the work I am doing and feel that I could do a lot more now that I’ve been here and worked and tried out ideas. I want to be home in SE PA with grandma and parents and I miss my friends from home home that I have not seen in an incredibly long time. And I have an apartment and (some) classes in Pittsburgh and I have friends. Lots of them whom I will hug and with whom I will share stories and buy popsicles in November and make homemade eggnog and have Tuesday dinners and sing and joke and go walking and running and edit papers and talk about the passive voice and sit on the Plaza. I want that but I am scared of a lot of things and I hate change and I hate goodbye and I was taught to never use hate unless I really mean it…and so I feel regrettably uncomfortable with and scared of change and it hurts to say goodbye to people that have made me grow up and that I have literally climbed mountains with and that I have laughed with and cried with and worn the green pants with and learned with and sparred with and so I don’t like it. And that thing that says that goodbyes are only there so you can have more hellos is crap when you are moving 3000 miles away and becoming an entirely different person.
This is perhaps the worst attempt at expressing my feelings ever and it is really just for me. Silly you for thinking I was unburdening my soul.
This isn’t even the half of it.
1 comment:
i love you and i also am regrettably uncomfortable with goodbyes and people moving across the country. but that is a story for when you are near me.
but i do like change, even when it's scary. let's walk through it with a flashlight together. (can we hold hands?)
Post a Comment